How do you feel about last-minute dates? Does a late invitation mean spontaneity or disrespect? Earlier I was speaking with reader Madeleine, who was telling me about a date she’d been on this past weekend. Bo texted her at noon Sunday, saying, “Hey if you don’t have plans already, how about meeting up later? We could do drinks and dinner or a walk…” She said OK “even though it was last minute.” The date went really well, and she was glad she’d accepted.
1. Intro
2. I hear this a lot.
Women get annoyed if a guy doesn’t plan ahead. I’m not sure if this is a holdover from the Rule that you should never accept a weekend date after Wednesday, but I think it’s poor strategy. It was a bad idea even in my day – by the late 70s the formal request by telephone for a weekend date was done. But we had little choice but to do some planning ahead. We didn’t have cell phones or even answering machines, so it wasn’t realistic to wait till the same day to make plans. You might not find the person at home or their phone might be busy. You couldn’t send chatty texts all week and lead up to making plans as many people do today. There was no way to contact someone in the middle of the evening to suggest meeting up or heaven forbid – a booty call. A guy would need to throw pebbles at your window or even employ the Lloyd Dobler boom box move. I once had a boyfriend break in while I was sleeping to make up after a fight.
3
Back in the day if you wanted to be sure of having weekend plans, you needed to be making them by Wednesday or Thursday, whether they were dates or plans with your own friends. It’s not surprising that young people today take advantage of technology to be more spontaneous in their social lives. It gives them maximum flexibility and enables guys to gauge interest before risking a romantic move. The downside is that people are also more likely to be selfish or crass, especially when they’ve been drinking.
4
Like so many things in dating, I think it depends on the context. • Is the person respectful in their invitation? • Are they suggesting real plans or a last minute “hang?” • Is the offer made late night or in the sober light of day? • Is this a random contact from an ex or someone you haven’t been building rapport with? • Or is this communication from someone you’ve recently met or are interested in? Here’s what I take away from Madeleine’s example:
5. Bo is polite.
Bo prefaced the invitation with “If you don’t have plans…” I see this as an acknowledgement that the invitation is given on short notice. It’s also an indication that he is not going to take it personally if she isn’t free.
6. Bo is interested in talking with Madeleine.
Bo suggested they go out – he’s not trying to come round to her apartment. He is demonstrating a clear desire to get to know Madeleine better, and not in the biblical way.
7. Bo is spontaneous and flexible.
Women say all the time that they want men to be spontaneous. The guy who will be fun and spontaneous in a relationship is the same guy who is fun and spontaneous when not in a relationship. If you want predictable and boring up front, you’d better be prepared for it all the way through.
8. The Bottom Line
The cost of saying no is much higher than the cost of going out once with a jerk. Why not err on the side of being positive and optimistic? The worst case scenario was that Bo was douchey, in which case Madeleine could have peaced out after drinks. By being open to what Bo had to offer, she wound up getting to know a great guy she describes as highly intelligent and fun. Maybe Bo isn’t Madeleine’s future husband. Or maybe he is. If she’d penalized him for acting on an impulse, she’d never have gotten the chance to find out. How do you feel about last-minute dates?